CHOOSING MY EXPIRY DATE

Nobody knows when they will die. But if you were given the chance, would you be willing and able to choose the day when you will die?  And if so, when would that be?  Let me share with you my answer and why I chose that particular date.

Actually, that was the rhetorical question that Fr. Dave Concepcion threw at us during one of the men’s retreats that I attended several years ago.  He gave several options, as if you could choose:  If you don’t pick a specific date, what year would you pick?  Or would you prefer to pick the month (regardless of year)?  Or how about a particular day (from Sunday to Saturday) of the week of any week? 

Of course, we were relieved to know that God does not require that of us.  But the thought that it might be, and that we would find ourselves in a situation to choose, was a bit spooky.  I don’t think there was a single brother in that retreat who was brave enough to accept the challenge.  I taunted the brother seated next to me and said, “I’ll choose for you, and I’ll let you choose for me.”   He pushed me away.

I wonder what kind of persons we would be, what kind of society we would have if every person had an expiry date (whether or not of their choosing)?  For sure it won’t be life as usual.  I can imagine that maybe many, myself included, would be bent on pursuing one singular great purpose in their lives, and plan meticulously to make sure they finished well.  Bucket lists would be the norm. Then again, perhaps there would be others, who after having picked a particular date in a particular year might simply pursue a life of profligacy all the way until the eve of their last day, then repent, and accept cheap grace on their expiry date.  Ha-ha-hallelujah!  End of THAT lesson.

My Expiry Date

Back to that retreat.  It wasn’t until after evening prayers when I went back to my room and casually studied my notes, when I came upon that question again:  What date would you choose to die? Then I re-read the reflections that I wrote in my journal that day, including my prayers to the Lord, my self-examination of my life, what I was going through, and how I continued to struggle with the same personal weaknesses and flaws, and the areas in my life that I wasn’t proud of, and which I repented of.  My opening reflection started with, “Lord, here we are again.  The two of us, together in this retreat.  You and I.  It wasn’t long ago when I had a retreat, and guess what Lord, it’s the same old me, your strong-willed, self-centered, impatient, aloof son.”   

I thought about my on-again/off-again, spiritual life.  I thought about how often I get sucked by the undertows of ungodliness and worldliness,  about how inconsistent my prayer disciplines are, and how I struggle with the flesh and the world.  I evaluated my journey to holiness and considered how, retreat after retreat, I wouldn’t seem to make much headway, like sailing into the wind.  I was grateful for my journey with the Lord, but I didn’t like what I was and what I was becoming.  “Lord, Lord, be patient please.”

Then one word came to my mind. I murmured, “Today.”  I said, “Lord, Yes!! This is it, this is my answer: TODAY!”  That’s my answer to the question of Fr. Dave!  Without thinking further, at that very moment, I decided right there and then, that if I were to choose a day when I should die, there’s no better day than today. 

“But, Lord,” I said, “promise me you will raise me up … a new man.”  I didn’t want my old life; I wanted a new life.

Paul said to the Ephesians (4:22-24), “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds;  and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” And to the Colossians (3:5) he exclaimed, “Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry.” 

And so, I declared my old self dead on that day of the retreat, just as I had done many years ago when I accepted Jesus and received the Holy Spirit in a fresh new way.    

Take up your cross daily

Jesus repeatedly said, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”  (Luke 9:23)

Daily.  It’s a choice I need to make daily: either stay with what I am and with who I am, or put my old self to death, daily. It’s not a one-off thing. It must be decided day by day.

Actually, this is not even just a once-a-day decision, but it’s a decision I need to make every moment that I am awake and every instance when I have to make a choice about how to react to this world.  I know that with every word that comes out of my lips, every thought that crosses my mind, and every motion of my body, I have a choice: to do what comes “naturally”, or to live a life in the Spirit. And if I profess to follow Christ, then I must choose to pick up my cross and put to death any behavior or any thought that is of the world or of the flesh or of the devil. 

I am comforted knowing that, as I abide in Christ and His dying and by the power of His resurrection, whenever I put my selfish nature to death going from cross to cross to cross, I am assured that the Spirit will raise me up again and again from glory to glory to glory.

“We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.  For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.”  (2 Cor 4:10-11)

To God be the glory!