The 4or’s: ADVICE TO MARRIED COUPLES

I recently had the honor to be godfather at the wedding of Vince Arcilla and Joyce Sumile, and the privilege to share a few words of advice to them at their reception. Allow me to share excerpts of that here, in the hope that it refreshes in the minds of all married couples reading this, about the basic tenets that help keep our marriages sailing smoothly.

(Addressing the couple) When the music fades and the last batch of photos have been uploaded on your Instagram or Facebook story, and your feet touch the ground, remember these four for’s: FORbear + FORgive + FORget + TransFORm.  I’m sure you’ve heard these words of advice already before, but I highlight them tonight because they are, after all, great advice. 

FORBEAR.

Tonight, you look so perfect for each other. You’ve gone through your list of essentials and have concluded that the other has passed your tests with flying colors, and now you’ve sealed a lifelong covenant. But life has a way of revealing our imperfections.  In fact, if you’re honest with yourself, you know that you have many imperfections yourself that you bring into this marriage. And when you start discovering the imperfections of your partner, it’s time to remember this first word of advice:  Forbear each other’s imperfections.  It means to exercise patient self-control, and restraint, and tolerance. At the core of forbearance is the virtue of patience. Be mindful of this especially when you’re stressed, under pressure, and want everything to go smoothly.  We become more sensitive to anything that is not according to our standards, and we’re like a loaded gun with its safety off, ready to explode. Remember Paul’s advice.  “Love is patient.”  Forbear one another’s imperfections.

FORGIVE.

Forgiveness is God’s language of love. It’s the key ingredient of love, and it’s the ultimate sacrifice. It’s probably easier to slave through the day to serve your spouse, especially when you know your spouse is deserving.  But to forgive your spouse for the hurts committed on you (e.g. hurtful words, disrespectful and inconsiderate behavior, infidelity even) – and still to slave away anyway even if the other person doesn’t deserve it — that’s tough, but that’s what love is. I pray there won’t be too many occasions of hurt, but if and when it comes, remember, you love because God loved you first.  You forgive because God forgave you first.

FORGET.

Whenever you experience occasions of hurt inflicted by the other, or disappointment about the other, you need to deal with these in the proper manner. But once you’ve dealt with them properly, then forget the past hurts and the past imperfections. Rebuild trust and move forward. Don’t rub salt on old wounds. Yes, like the earlier two For’s, this is easier said than done. But it can be done; ask my wife Daisy. Still, if you yourself find it hard to forget, then by all means please stop reminding your spouse about it. Keep it to yourself and deal with it appropriately. And should you find yourself dwelling on the past hurts and imperfections, remember, those thoughts do not come from our God of peace, who, once He forgives, remembers our sins no more. 

TRANSFORM.

Let’s face it. Despite how gorgeous you both look today, neither of you is a saint. And so when it comes to dealing with your imperfections, and becoming something better than you are, remember that transformation is God’s job, not yours. The Lord certainly desires to transform you. But please, let that be between you and Him, and not between you and your spouse.  Again, speaking of the imperfections we see in our spouse, rather than dwell on these, focus rather on your own transformation — on your own imperfections — and ask the Lord to make you a better spouse, to make you the husband or the wife that your partner deserves and in a way that glorifies Him.  This is the kind of prayer that God enjoys hearing and granting, because this is the occasion for Him to fill you with His Holy Spirit. And once that is in motion, then it will not longer be you but Christ who lives in you.

So there you have it.  The four for’s: “4or’s” —  FORbear + FORgive + FORget + TransFORm.  “May the 4or’s be with you.”  God bless you.